I was perusing Facebook today commenting and liking, when out-of-the-blue this uber ‘spiritual’ guy made a very sexist comment to me.
Now I suppose this should be of no surprise given this world is still super patriarchal, but I was shocked and appalled nonetheless. It’s amazing how many people continue to maintain their gender privilege despite how much pain, violence and injustice is founded on that sense of privilege. It amazed me too, to see another man step up to defend his actions, when I called him out on it.
I wonder how they cannot see that this ‘game’ of sexism, gender roles and privilege, hurts everyone, men included.
Part of the reason sexism and violence against women is so insidious in society, is because when women stand up for themselves, other males stand up to defend the male who’s being sexist.
They tell you, you’re crazy.
They tell you you’re being *mean*.
They tell you, you cannot *prove* his motive was privilege.
They tell you to give him a break! Cause he’s really a nice guy.
He can’t help it!
These are all the silencing tactics and I listened to them for years!
I used to identify with my male abusers and excuse they’re disrespectful behavior because they were really just this cute little boy inside who wanted to be loved for who he truly was… an asshole.
It was disempowering and destructive to buy into the game. Because every time I excused bad behavior, I sent a message to myself that I was not worth respect and care.
Is it a wonder we have so many feminine people who do not believe they are worthy of being loved, struggle to demand their value in the marketplace and chase after success and prowess in a partner in hopes to get a chunk of that worth?
The only reason women chase status and wealth in mates is because they have had it rammed into their heads since day one that they are themselves worthless and need a man to give them status and a sense of worth.
I know because I used to feel this way! I have even struggled being a sexuality educator because it somehow seemed to reinforce that my only worth was my sexuality after all.
This paradigm of gender roles and patriarchy is so deeply woven into society most miss it. Every night there are countless couples going on dates with the expectation the man pays and the woman looks pretty.
He leans in for the kiss without ever checking to how she feels… because that’s what he’s supposed to do! He’s put on the spot, expected to do everything right and she’s not given an out to decide if she actually wants that contact or not! It is thrust upon her.
If she makes out with him but then stops there, she might even be called ungrateful. After all, he spent all this money on her… doesn’t he deserve something back?
I used to waltz into my dates full of entitlement like a queen! You had to buy my dinner, open the door and never hesitate.
Then I couldn’t understand why despite taking all this power… I seemed to always end up feeling powerless and not enough.
The gender game was toxic to my soul and my relationships. And I believe it is toxic for most. The ‘positive’ aspects seem challenging to disentangle from the abusive ones.
Before you ever let anything slide then, or step up to defend men against feminism, maybe take a look at how this game has harmed you. Because it has. The man who’s naked body is laughed at all his life as disgusting and his sexuality shamed as perverted knows this. The divorced man who pays half his income in alimony and is lonely and cannot even pay for a hand job, lest he’s slapped in jail, knows this well.
After returning from a business trip, disgruntled and confused, having suffered a week of sexual harassment and disrespect, I saw the true insidious nature of this game. I also saw how they took advantage of my dependence on them for that week of room and board to silence and intimidate me.
I will no longer tolerate any of this game. It breaks my heart to have suffered so much and also see so many suffer from it. Everyone loses out in the end except abusers it seems. Which is why we cannot say ‘yes’ to the game in our own lives.
Know that you are worth way more than your prettiness, body or pocket book. Let’s ditch this shit!
It screws everyone over in the end!